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I Sense A Disturbance In The Force

Posted on October 31, 2012 at 11:45 AM
Filed Under: St. Louis Cardinals
Four years ago on Halloween, I dressed up the St. Louis squad in costumes from a galaxy far, far away.  Two years ago, for Star Wars Day (May the fourth, of course), I compared the then-Cardinals to Star Wars characters.  Now, with Star Wars Angry Birds just a week away and with yesterday's huge news regarding Disney, LucasFilm and Episode VII, it seemed a good time to break out the conceit again.

We could shuffle the laundry again, put different people in different outfits (I'm sure that Lance Lynn would rock a Wampa costume), but let's do something a bit different with this excursion into this mash-up galaxy.  Let's see what certain memorable Star Wars scenes would look like if they had a bit of Redbird flair added to them.

We'll stick to the original movie, I think.  I'm not one of those that derides the prequels (though there are some parts worthy of it) but there aren't as many scenes that made it into the public consciousness from those movies.  Plus, since I grew up with IV-VI, those can play pretty much on a continual loop in my head.

So set the navi computer and let's make the jump to hyperspace.......


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The Tantive IV has been boarded.  Two droids are looking for a way out.

C3PO (played by Daniel Descalso): What are we going to do?  We've failed to make it to the promised land of the postseason--I mean, Alderaan.  They'll ship us off to the spice mines of Kessel.  Or worse, to Houston!

R2D2 (played by Pete Kozma): *beeps*

C3PO: What do you mean, your mission?  What mission?

R2D2: *long beep*

C3PO: Shortstop and crucial stretch bat? Your wires must be crossed. Hey, you can't go in that escape pod.

R2D2: *raspberries*

C3PO: Oh, I'm going to regret this.

A meeting on Tatooine between a mentor and an apprentice.

OBI-WAN (played by Chris Carpenter): You must learn the ways of the Force if you are to go with me to Alderaan.

LUKE (played by Adam Wainwright): Alderaan?  I'm not going to Alderaan.  I've got to get home.

OBI-WAN: YOU ARE GOING TO [expletive] ALDERAAN IF I HAVE TO CUT OFF YOUR [sensitive parts] WITH THIS LIGHTSABER.  NO ONE SAYS NO TO OBI-WAN [expletive] KENOBI!

LUKE: Let me grab a bag.

Of course, you need a ship to leave the planet.  Overlooking the city.....

OBI-WAN: Mos Eisley Spaceport.  You will never see a more wretched hive of scum and villany. Except when Cincinnati's on a roll, of course.  Glad I never had kids to have to explain Cincy to them.

Inside the cantina.....

HAN SOLO (played by Yadier Molina): Han Solo, I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon.  Chewie here tells me you are looking for passage to the Alderaan system?

OBI-WAN: Yes, indeed.  If it's a fast ship.

HAN: Fast ship? You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?

OBI-WAN: Watch your mouth before I cut you.  Should I have?

HAN: It's the ship that can pick off runners from first in 12 tenths of a second.  It's powered by my right arm--I get out and throw it into space.  It's fast enough for you, old man.

On the way to Alderaan, the droids and Chewbacca play Dejarik.

CHEWBACCA (played by Jason Motte): *roars*

C3PO: He made a fair move.  Screaming about it can't help you.

HAN: Give it to him.  It's not wise to upset a closer.

C3PO: But sir, nobody worries about upsetting a utility man.

HAN: That's because a utility man can't throw a baseball 100 miles an hour at your head.  Closers are known to do that.

CHEWBACCA: *snorts*

C3PO: I see your point, sir. I suggest a new strategy, R2.  Let the closer win.

After being caught by the Death Star, our heroes make plans.  Obi-Wan goes to disable the tractor beam, Han, Luke and Chewbacca go to rescue the Princess. Which leaves two behind.

C3PO: Pardon me, sir, but what should we do if we're discovered here?

LUKE: Lock the door.

HAN: And hope they don't throw 98 with movement.

C3PO: That isn't very reassuring.

After disarming the guards, Luke finds the Princess.....

LEIA (played by Cardinal PR wizard Lindsey Weber because none of the guys wanted a female role): Aren't you a little tall for a stormtrooper?

While Han has a conversation......

HAN: Uh, everything's under control here.  Situation normal.

VOICE (Cameo by Tony La Russa): What happened?

HAN: Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh, everything's perfectly all right now.  We're fine, we're all fine here now, thank you.  How are you?

VOICE: Get Rzep and Motte up.

HAN: *shoots console* Boring conversation anyway.

As our heroes race to the Falcon, Obi-Wan has a confrontation.

DARTH VADER (played by Albert Pujols): The circle is now complete.  When I left you, I was but the learner.  Now I am the master.

OBI-WAN: Only a master in batting practice, Darth.  You still can't hit my fastball.

VADER: Your powers are weak, old man.

OBI-WAN: YOU CALLING ME WEAK? I CUT OUT A RIB AND I'VE STILL GOT ENOUGH [expletive] STUFF TO TAKE YOUR SORRY [expletive] TO THE BENCH!

Besides, if you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you'd ever imagine.  I mean, c'mon, if a rib can't slow me down, what are you going to do?

Vader centers up on a Carpenter fastball, though, and knocks him clean out.

LUKE: NO!

Our heroes escape without the body of Obi-Wan, which has vanished into the mists but they paint a robe on the wall of the Falcon.  They join the Rebels and begin an attack on the Death Star.

Wave after wave of fighters are destroyed.  Finally, it comes down to Luke and his wingmen.

LUKE: Biggs, Wedge, let's close it up.  We're going in full throttle.

WEDGE (played by Jake Westbrook): Right with you, boss.

BIGGS (played by Mitchell Boggs): Luke, at that speed, will you be able to pull out in time?

LUKE: Quit playing "That's what she said", Biggs!

WEDGE: I'm hit!  I can't stay with you.  My oblique is killing me.

LUKE: Get clear, Wedge.  You can't do any more good back there and you are holding up the rookies anyway.

After Biggs is destroyed, Luke is the last hope.  But Vader is breathing down his neck.

VADER: I have you now....what?

Suddenly the Falcon smacks Vader over the Death Star wall and into deep space, giving a cushion to Luke.

HAN: You're all clear, kid, let's blow this thing and go home!

Luke then hits all around the exhaust port, putting the mission in jeopardy.

HAN: Dude, when I said blow this thing, I mean slam the door, not give it to the other side!

LUKE: Oh, gotcha.

Luke then breaks off a nasty curve with his photon torpedo and blows the Death Star to kingdom come.  A TIE Fighter Pilot (played by Carlos Beltran) can't move and is caught in the explosion.

The final scene shows our heroes in front of the large crowd of Rebels, holding up the Worlds Championship Trophy as the crowd goes wild.

May the Force be with you all!

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Heroes
Carlos Beltran (5)
Matt Holliday (4)
Jon Jay (4)
Daniel Descalso (3)
Matt Carpenter (3)
Jaime Garcia (3)
Shelby Miller (3)
Yadier Molina (3)
Adam Wainwright (3)
Allen Craig (2)
Pete Kozma (2)
Lance Lynn (2)
Edward Mujica (2)
Jake Westbrook (2)
Joe Kelly (1)
Seth Maness (1)
Trevor Rosenthal (1)
Ty Wigginton (1)

2012 Top Hero: Matt Holliday (17)
2011 Top Hero: Lance Berkman (24)
2010 Top Heroes: Matt Holliday and Albert Pujols (24)
2009 Top Hero: Albert Pujols (28)
2008 Top Hero: Albert Pujols (25)

Goats
David Freese (5)
Jon Jay (4)
Joe Kelly (4)
Mitchell Boggs (3)
Matt Carpenter (3)
Allen Craig (3)
Daniel Descalso (3)
Jaime Garcia (3)
Pete Kozma (3)
Yadier Molina (3)
Matt Carpenter (2)
Lance Lynn (2)
Carlos Beltran (1)
Matt Holliday (1)
Seth Maness (1)
Shane Robinson (1)
Fernando Salas (1)
Adam Wainwright (1)
Jake Westbrook (1)

2012 Top Goat: Rafael Furcal (11)
2011 Top Goat: Ryan Theriot (12)
2010 Top Goat: Brendan Ryan (14)
2009 Top Goats: Rick Ankiel and Todd Wellemeyer (13)
2008 Top Goat: Troy Glaus (13)

Cardinal Nation Approval Ratings (March 2013)
Yadier Molina 96.2% (up 8.8%)
Chris Carpenter 89.8% (down 0.3%)
Derrick Goold 89.1% (up 6.3%)
Matt Holliday 88.4% (up 0.9%)
Allen Craig 88.3%
Adam Wainwright 88.2% (down 3.7%)
Jose Oquendo 87.1% (up 2.4%)
Jason Motte 86.9%
John Mozeliak 86.5% (up 1.1%)
United Cardinal Bloggers 85.2% (up 6.3%)
Bill DeWitt 85.1% (up 5.3%)
Mike Shannon 85.1% (down 0.2%)
John Rooney 84.5% (up 3.0%)
Mike Matheny 84.4% (up 3.3%)
David Freese 82.9% (down 2.6%)
Jon Jay 81.8% (up 10.7%)
Lance Berkman 80.6% (down 8.0%)
Jenifer Langosch 79.5%
Lance Lynn 79.5%
Dan McLaughlin 76.0% (up 8.0%)
Jim Hayes 73.0% (up 1.1%)
Ricky Horton 65.5% (down 2.0%)
Jaime Garcia 64.1%
Albert Pujols 59.2% (up 4.3%)
Ballpark Village 58.3%
Joe Strauss 54.3% (down 13.4%)

2012
Tony La Russa 88.2% (up 17.4%)
Mark McGwire 82.6% (up 20.1%)
Skip Schumaker 73.3% (up 9.2%)
B.J. Rains 69.5% (down 0.9%)
Kyle Lohse 68.9% (up 13.8%)
Al Hrabosky 66.4% (up 3.2%)
Colby Rasmus 46.5% (down 35.3%)

2011
Dave Duncan 87.9% (up 0.9%)
Matthew Leach 85.5%
Pop Warner 76.7%
Ryan Franklin 72.8% (up 3.1%)
John Vuch 68.9%
Jeff Luhnow 66.4%
Dan Lozano 58.7%

2009
Rick Ankiel 83.9%
Chris Duncan 69.1%


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